P e R s P e C t I v E V i S i O n S

My cousin is getting married and he plans to set up the reception and tea ceremony at my grandmother house. Therefore my grandmother insists on repainting all the walls and hired a contractor and wants me to accompany her (as she lives alone) for 3 days. Well today is the third day, not to mention that I had to stay in the house which only had a television set and no other entertainments. Yeah.. had to whine to get it all out. Feeling much better now... grandma's house still had another attraction =D a bicycle and lots of peaceful land to cycle about. (the neighbourhood i mean, the backyard ain't that huge.) The breeze at night as calm, soothing and the silence of the surrounding have it a serene feeling.
Ah.. few days not blogging and my english standard drops down to this. Crap, can't even express myself right anymore... is there still time for me to act as though I am an autistic child so that I don't have to fret over things such as social ring (becoz I won't have 1 then).

Thought about a lot of things as I was waiting for the bus home from my grandmother's place... not sure, humans never know how to be content and I totally agree... now I am beggining to regret my poly course.. maybe If I went into aerospace, go for a pilot test or went to study to become a psychiatrist things would be better, but who can tell the future ? Maybe if I had gotten in to any of the above, I would still be here thinking of my 'Shoulda Woulda Coulda' .. sulking. I find it very hard to be content nowadays... and I feel 'evil' somewhat. It is as though the other side of me suddenly grew stronger. I feel a sense of spiritual elevation rising within me, aggression that is easily stirred and this new assertiveness which I linked it to the heredity of our ancestors of kiasuism. I am caught between my own crossfire of emotions and thinkings. This is so bad, I don't know what I am writing anymore. Its 4.22am now, maybe thats the reason.

Thought back to when I was little, I think I was true to my emotions then, complaining about every little thing that bugged me, not showing any false expressions to sooth others feelings, just shooting my mouth straight off. Ah.. I felt great.. it felt so pure and unhypocritical, just like a Lion who when is hungry just eats up its young (some people call it cruelty, but I call it pure to its heart. A simple no hypocritical pretense un-wishy washy quick way of doing things). But somehow due to some circumstances it was suppressed and now I can't get it to come out, so if for some reason I seem particularly sarcastic. Don't blame me, my mind ain't balanced yet.. my personailty is incomplete. I feel like a robot now.. if you ask any of my friends who knew me since primary school til now. I would say I have changed a lot. But one if it's the part where I act ignorant to some aqquiantance I know, then I know and I am sorry. I can't help it.. its innate.. somehow.. Well, this isn't really how I hoped to express it but.. sigh it will do. I am having a constant war with my inner voices, dreams, desires and emotions. I would not find it strange if one day I just snapped and ended up in a mental instituition. Believe me, me acting dull is better than a very energetic,aggresive me. Ok.. Gonna have to shift this post somewhere soon.. Keke, its for me to read when I am .. older.. to measure my growth emotionally... Ahh... I should have taken psycology.